Being a fresher is a unique time, not only will you have some of the most liberating and amusing experiences of your life, but you’ll also frequently feel embarrassed (especially around the sexy Spanish exchangers). ‘Consequences’ become synonymous with ‘why not’ and you might find you develop some sturdy love handles (courtesy of a very close relationship with fruit ciders) that will surprisingly make winters on Sauchiehall Street bearable. We’ve sifted through our mind-tank memories to warn you of all the mistakes you’ll make this freshers season! You. Are. Welcome.
Thinking you have to sign a BFF contract with the first person you meet
If you come to university and you don’t know anyone, you’ll feel constantly unsure yet at the same time so keen to break out of your shell that you won’t care if the consequence of that is splinters in your abdomen and little bits of shell lodged in the wheels of your Fiat 500. However, it’s not imperative that you assume you’ll be best friends with the first person you talk to. Although you may share some intimate moments lip-syncing to Cher, most of your intimacy will stem from your drunken plight and once it wears off you might realise they’re actually a bit crap.
Not paying attention during lectures
Yes, the girl in front of you is the nearest thing you’ve experienced to actually witnessing an angel on earth (if an angel wore a denim jacket and Doc Martens) but snap out of it. Your lecturer is an old Italian man with a hunch, and his old school antics mean no online slides after the lecture. Going to a lecture and not listening to a word is one of the most pointless things you’ll do (it’s better to be at home watching House of Cards) but it’s the easiest. Making sure to take in what you see/hear in lectures will make exam time a lot less of a hassle.
Leaving your dishes ‘til the end of the semester
If after a while you start recognise the same smiling face in a slither of mould on last month’s take out and it becomes familiar and comforting – please stop. Get your lazy arse over to the sink, slap on some Marigolds and stop infuriating/contaminating your flatmates with your potent life choices. Being generally disgusting is the best way to unmake friends, trust us.
Unless you’re the kind of person whose bowel movements result in producing nuggets of gold, you’re going to need to learn how to manage your money. Whether you’re raking in the pennies from your parent’s pockets or from the almighty currency King that is SAAS, you need to make sure you always have money for essentials, emergencies and y’know – food. It’s all very well that buying Camembert from Waitrose instead of Tesco Value cheddar makes you feel like, more mature (pun intended), but it’s not always the best attitude to adopt, especially come the end of the month when you’re living off plain rice and shame.
Running out of toilet roll
It will become a regular argument with your flatmates as to who bought the last toilet roll, and you’ll all stubbornly insist it was you, and then nothing will be done about it until it’s too late. Traversing towards adult life means ignoring petty arguments and spending a couple of quid on an item that will save one’s ass.
Shotting non-descript green sugar jelly on a regular basis
If a drink costs less than three Freddos then you’re doing something wrong. As fun as it is to down marshmallow-flavoured shots as an alternative to cheap tequila, it does tend to wreck your insides, especially your teeth. Too much sugar and not enough vitamins will make you feel tired, wired and generally a bit ill. Avoid.
Ignoring the concept of calories
Don’t get me wrong, it will feel really liberating to be able to eat and drink what you want now that you’ve fled the nest, but chowing down McDonald’s and watering your soul with Jagerbombs does take its toll. Before you know it, you’ll be returning home for Christmas as a nocturnal alcoholic with a weight problem. Your uncle Jeff will prod at you and laugh.
Thinking you’ve found love after a one-night stand
It’s just not going to happen. Yes, you had a deep and meaningful chat about how you prefer dogs to cats while gyrating to Nicki Minaj, but that does not a romance make. Freshers is fun whether you’re single or in a relationship, so don’t sweat the details. Just be safe and have fun.
Not registering at a doctor’s
You’ll be too lazy to do it and you’ll put it off for months until it becomes an ordeal when you get the flu and your medical practice back home is three hours away. Your parents will nag you for it and you’ll keep brushing it off. I mean, with your diet of Domino’s, Ben and Jerry’s and Red Bull, your immune system can withstand anything, right?
Going to every single fresher’s event
While it does appear to be a rite of passage to ‘go hard or go home’, it’s inevitable that you’ll render yourself catastrophically ill. I’m not saying that it’s not worth doing, but replacing some partying with sleep/food once in a while is probably a good idea. Especially with all that ‘not registering at a doctor’s’ stuff.
Angering your neighbours
Drunken wailing, bad dancing and throwing bits of debris around your shared kitchen will be an enjoyable experience. But your noise level and earth-quaking hiccoughs will definitely upset your fellow neighbours, especially when they’re trying to write an essay on medieval poetry and song. Keeping in mind that other living beings also exist will come in handy during to avoid unwanted conflict with David, the mature student with a rage problem.
Not coming to Freshers’ Festival
Just the worst mistake you could make. Bypassing freebies, competition prizes and lots of booze and food? Now that’s stoooopid. Perhaps your regret will haunt you for the rest of your life and cost you hundreds of pounds in therapy. Or maybe you’ll come along and it will be the highlight of your year. Over to you, freshers!